Filed under: Bills Obsession, Criminals, idiots, that was random | Tags: 31 reasons to hate, abject hatred, buffalo wings > primanti bros., DARRYL TALLEY OWNZ DAN MARINO, gisele is a beard, have you ever met a jets fan you liked?, isotoners, seriously folks - brady quinn, there's a reason The Wire was set in Baltimore
In Buffalo we have a lot of things we’re good at: chicken wings, tailgates, shoveling, obesity, the National Lacrosse League, and not knocking down abandoned buildings. Oh, and bitterness. We are really good at bitterness.
Buffalonians thrive on bitterness. We’re bitter that all our jobs are moving out of town. We’re bitter that spring always starts late, but fall is seemingly always on time. We’re bitter that any public project we propose gets shot down by reasons with increased ludicrousness (yes, I’m talking about you Mr. Common Tern). Give us a topic, and I’m sure we’d have a reason to hate it. I’m not saying this is a bad thing – I love being bitter. To me, the only thing I enjoy more then being happy is being miserable.
With the season now a mere 110ish days away its time we all came together and celebrated our bitterness, our hatred, our unbridled passion of abhorrence. So, with this in mind I’ll present to you a reason to hate every other team in the league. 31 teams – 31 reasons to hate. Today we’ll tackle the AFC East and the AFC North.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Is their anything cornier then “The Terrible Towel”? What a stupid tradition – grown men who get excited by waving around little yellow dish towels in the air. This type of behavior, while maybe appropriate for a keynote speech by Martha Stewart at a housewives convention, does not belong at pro football games. Anyhow, I’ve long looked and hard for something more stupid then this corny tradition, and I found it… and fortunately it ALSO belongs to the Steelers. Meet Steely McBeam!
Type of Hatred: Homophobic Hatred
Baltimore Ravens: Ahhh the Buffalo double standard…. Ray Lewis stabs someone who dies, literally gets away with murder, and within a year he’s back winning awards, signing mega-endorsements, and becoming the toast of the town. Our favorite son stabs someone, gets away with murder, and he becomes the most vilified man in America. And OJ was TWICE the player Ray-Ray ever was. Sometimes life’s just unfair.
Type of Hatred: Piercing Hatred
Cleveland Browns: In the 1949s, Buffalo had an AAFC pro football team: the awesomely named Buffalo Bills. When the league semi-mergered with NFL in 1950, three teams got invited… and Buffalo was not one of them; despite having a very good team and some of the largest fan support in the league. Why you ask? Because they were blocked largely by Cleveland, who knew that if the team folded they’d have first rights to 3 Bills players, plus additional dispersal rights. And so they raided some great All-Pros: Hal Herring, George Atterman, John Kissell, Abe Gibron, and Bum Gardener. And 40 years later they then have the nerve to act shocked and applaud when their team is stolen… kind of a hypocritical if you asked me. We had to wait 10 years to get our Bills back – Cleveland only had to wait 3.
Type of Hatred: Old School Hatred.
Cincinnati Bengals: Every year we have to hear from the talking heads how Cincy will take the next step this year. How they are a team on the rise. And guess what? Every year they suck. Every year they are terrible. Cincy has had but one winning season in literally forever, and that year they even lost in the first round of the playoffs. But at the start of every season they are a “playoff pick”, complete with a schedule with multiple primetime games. Meanwhile, the only time the Bills are mentioned nationally is when someone suggests they move the team; and our schedule is littered with 1PM starts that feature the (admittedly) awesome announcing of Gus Johnson.
Type of Hatred: Overlooked Hatred
New England Cheat-riots: Ummmmm, really? What, Bill Belichick and Spygate isn’t good enough for you? The arrogance of the players? The annoying accents of their smug fans? That game they stole in 1998 that ruined our division title hopes? None of that is good enough? OK, then how about this. If that photo doesn’t sum up why I hope Tom Brady dies of some flesh eating virus, nothing will.
Type of Hatred: Deep, Soul Tingling, Vile, Extreme, Terroristic Hatred
Miami Dolphins: Again, lots of reasons here. So we’ll just do a quick 5.
- They go undefeated in 1972 and that’s all that they can talk about even today. We get it, you were good 35 years ago. Now go do something relevant.
- Louis Oliver couldn’t last a single drive in the 90s without feigning an injury to slow down our no-huddle offense.
- Bryan Cox. Dan Marino. Mark Duper. Bryan Cox.
- Obnoxious Don Shula retires and he’s replaced by the seemingly more-obnoxious Jimmy Johnson.
- Miami fans are the most fair weather, fronting running, uncreative fans I’ve ever met. Don’t believe me? Go to the Dolphins game in Miami this year, sit in a stadium that’s half empty, and listen to Miami fans tell you it’s cold in Buffalo. Just be sure to retort with a good Hurricane Andrew bit. That’s always a guarenteed knee slapper.
Type of Hatred: Our Weather Doesn’t Kill Thousands of People Hatred
New York Jets: Going to UB, I was forced to put up with idiotic Jets fans on a near daily basis. Their obnoxious dribble about Buffalo being a second rate city made about as much sense as their room temperature IQ. Well here’s the thing Jets fans – at least we aren’t visitors in our own stadium (which interestingly ISN’T named after a different NFL team). Face it: you may be from a first rate city, but you have a second rate team. And I’d rather root for a first rate team in a second rate city any day of the week. Oh, and even Richard Simmons has a stronger arm then Chad Pennington.
Alrighty, tune in at a later date when we dissect the rest of the AFC. But for now I gotta run – I’m late for my therapy session at the bar.
***UPDATE*** – Welcome Deadspin readers. Have a look around and thanks for stopping by!
Looking for reasons to hate the AFC West and South? There they are!
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