Filed under: Bills Obsession, Excessive violence, Other NFL teams | Tags: at least we'll always have mcadoo, jax to LA makes so much sense, marmalard is still a 'bag, music city miracle? more like music city CRAP, not all these tags are good, paul stanley was great in phantom, sad sad raiders fans, super bowl IV doesn't count, travis henry, virility
Welcome back to the four piece series about why I hate every NFL team that is not the Buffalo Bills. What’s that? You missed the first part? Hmmm, I bet you are one of those people who always seems to come in halfway through a movie I’m watching and immediately demands to be informed about every painstaking detail you missed. I always hate that – I mean I’m watching the movie because I want to SEE it, not because I want to be interrupted to describe diminutive plot points to you. Just rent the movie yourself or download it off the Internet. It’ll be much more entertaining that way. Either way, just leave me alone. But I digress. If you missed Part 1, you can find it here. And here’s the retort errantremark wrote in response to the lovely hate mail I received.
Anyways, today we’ll continue with the AFC West and South
Oakland Raiders: You gotta give it to Oakland fans. Every week they put on their make-up and dust off their spikes and turn their stadium into the world’s biggest KISS dress up party. Do Oakland fans realize that KISS hasn’t been cool in 30 years, and even then they weren’t cool? I could never understand how they think that looking like Gene Simmons provides motivation for their players. Oh, and on top of that their stadium is terrible. That section isn’t called the “Black Hole” because it’s menacing, rather because if you sit there you literally can’t see a single thing.
Denver Broncos: In 2001, with Buffalo facing an anemic running game and a dwindling population base, the Bills drafted Henry to help rebuild Buffalo (both on and off the field). Travis did come ready to play: he was a Pro-Bowl RB and still found time to father 9 kids. But his main problem (which eventually led to his falling out for Willis McGahee) was that not a single one of these kids was fathered in Buffalo. What gives Travis? Aren’t our women good enough? So now he’s taken his act to Denver, and I can’t watch the Broncos without thinking of what could have been. Call it jealousy if you want, but in the last year Buffalo’ population shrunk by 5,000, while Denver’s grew by 20,000… no doubt due in large part to what census takers refer to as the “Henry Effect”.
Type of Hatred: Untapped Potential Hatred (ed. note: more recently, you are damn lucky hatred.)
Kansas City Chiefs: Sometimes I think the only thing the NFL enjoys more then finding ways to put the screws to Buffalo is finding ways to honor Lamar Hunt. They have trophies named in his honor, have Hunt exhibits in the Hall of Fame, and I’m sure if they could make his birthday a national holiday, they’d be petitioning Congress as we speak (but they’d have to get through Arlen Specter first). I’m not saying that Hunt wasn’t important to the NFL – but can we get a little love for Ralph Wilson? The man saved the AFL, helped oversee the merger, rallied economically for small market teams – yet he can’t even be a finalist for the HOF. Meanwhile Hunt’s been there for 35 years. Hunt off-handily refers to the AFL/NFL title game as the Super Bowl, and he’s called a genius; Wilson mentions that he didn’t think the latest CBA was a good deal for the owners (which it wasn’t), and he’s called senile.
Type of Hatred: Historical Hatred
San Diego Chargers: In Buffalo, we’ve been losing sports teams long before losing sports teams became cool. We’ve lost AAFL, National League, Arena Football, Indoor Soccer, and Roller Hockey teams. We even lost an baseball team that we never had. Though what still stings the Buffalo faithful the most is when San Diego stole our the beloved NBA Buffalo Braves. It didn’t take long for them to ruin our franchise: they changed our awesome jerseys, made them into the Clippers, and turned them into the NBA’s version of the Arizona Cardinals. San Diego was such a disaster that the team had to again move, this time to L.A., where they now rival the D-Fenders as the best D-League team in the city. Hopefully history will strike twice and the Chargers will be the next San Diego team relocated to the City of Angels (thus saving the Bills from that fate). Oh, plus one time I was forced to watch that God-awful “Laguna Beach” show, and something’s gotta pay for that.
Jacksonville Jaguars: How in the world did Jacksonville ever get an NFL team? Has anyone stopped to think about that? There were already 2 other teams in Florida, their metro area is as small as Tedy Bruschi is slow, and they are much more a college-town then a pro-town. Buffalo’s always first mentioned as a relocation option – but Jacksonville is AS small and has substantially LESS fan support. They can’t reduce capacity quick enough in that stadium, and even then they still can’t sell it out. I mean, do you even know one single Jags fan? Do any even exist? Perhaps the fifth Indiana Jones movie can revolve around Harrison Ford trying to find someone who actually likes this team. Plus they pawned off Rob Johnson on us, who single handily set our franchise back 10 years.
Type of Hatred: Confused Hatred
Houston Texans: You may think its hard to hate a pro teams that’s only been around for 6 years, but its not (and I use the term “Pro” very, VERY loosely – my flag football team is not only more competitive but also fields a better O-line). Sorry Houston, but it’s personal. Your city gave us the that spectacular company Enron, whose Patriots-esque ethics caused a corporate panic that, in turn, ended up bankrupting a cable company called Adelphia, which resulted in killing one of the bigger development projects to come to Buffalo in years. AND it lead to the Adelphia-owned Buffalo Sabres going bankrupt and coming ever so close to relocating, and personally ruining my winter of 2002/2003. Oh, plus you guys are terrible at hosting Super Bowls. Thankfully, I won’t be forced to watch the Bills win Super Bowl XLVI in Houston. Indy here we come!!
Type of Hatred: Association Hatred
Indianapolis Colts: Speak of the devil. So, I imagine when you heard this story you were as shocked as I was. I mean, why on earth would Marvin Harrison own a car wash in Philly? And is this the last business left in America that Peyton hasn’t endorsed yet? Anyhow, Indy annoys me for a few reasons. First I get annoyed at pundits discussing how great the Colts have been this decade. Shouldn’t they be? Didn’t they have like a top 5 draft pick EVERY year in the 90s? Doesn’t the law of averages dictate that some would work out and they’d EVENTUALLY have to be good? Plus I hate how Peyton is considered one of the all-time greats, yet he’s only won 2 big games ever at ANY level: one thanks to a drop by Troy Brown, and one where he had to outduel Rex Grossman (which is as impressive as me outdueling Hellen Keller in a game of one-on-one). But the biggest reason to is hate them is shown in this image:
How impressive… AFC Finalists! What a ridiculous banner to hang. At least in Buffalo we don’t honor our failed seasons with banners.
Type of Hatred: Pointless Celebration Hatred
Tennessee Titans: Well, there’s the obvious – that stupid playoff game in 1999. For the record, the only thing miraculous about that Music City “Miracle” was the fact that none of the refs had the guts to call it correctly as an illegal forward lateral. Worse though, is that Tennessee stole the Houston Oilers. The best thing in sports being able to mock an opponent that blew it in the clutch. The Red Sox do it to the Yankees now. The Broncos can still mock the Browns (See numbers 7 and 3)for those playoff collapses in the 80s. Everyone can laugh at Chris Webber. We had ONE team we could mock- the Oilers, thanks to that chokefest they displayed during Buffalo’s record setting playoff comeback win. So thanks, Tennessee – now the Oilers no longer exist, no rival fans care that they lost, and with it we have no one to mock. Thanks for stealing that playoff game in ’99 and stealing our one moment.
Type of Hatred: Kevin Dyson Should Die a Fiery Death Hatred
OK, next week we’ll tackle the NFC. I really dislike the NFC. I mean, at least the AFC has some integrity (having the Bills in the Conference helps). What does the NFC have? Hefty bag stadiums? Pirate Ships? Matt Leinart? This should be fun.
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