Dukes of Awesome


EPIC FAILURE
October 27, 2008, 9:06 am
Filed under: Bills Obsession, Buffalo Bills, NFL News, Uncategorized
from espn.com

from espn.com

Playing against a Wide Receiver that can’t get separation and a Quarterback that can’t throw deep, the Bills continually played the corners 10-15 yards off the line of scrimmage.  Ted Ginn Jr. would like to thank the Buffalo coaching staff, and Terrence McGee.  Without them, he would have remained the laughing stock of the 2007 NFL draft*.

*Brady Quinn resembles that remark

Mer-man! *cough cough* Mer-MAN!

Mer-man! *cough cough* MER-MAN!

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Rodney Dangerfield’s Grave Reacts to the John McCargo Trade Veto

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John McCargo? More like John McCan’tgo!
McCargo? McCan’t get rid of him!
McCargo? McWent too early in the 2006 NFL draft!
After failing his physical, McCargo was so depressed he was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to him. The priest said, “On your mark…”
John McCargo is so out of shape, Warren Sapp hangs out with him to look fit.
John McCargo is so fat, when he puts on his underwear the Fruit of the Loom guys start laughing.
Bill Polian told McCargo that the Colts wanted to stiffen up against the run. John asked the team doctor for a prescription to Viagra.
During the physical McCargo said, “Doc, every morning when I break down my play on film I feel like barfing. What’s wrong?” The doc said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
John McCargo’s back is so bad, he’s applying for work in a bell tower.
The doctor told John he had a herniated disc in his back. John said he wanted a second opinion. The doctor said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
The biggest problem with John McCargo’s back is that it’s attached to John McCargo.



Dating tips with JP Losman
October 8, 2008, 8:22 am
Filed under: Bills Obsession, Buffalo Bills, that was random, Uncategorized | Tags: ,

Author/dating expert JP Losman

First dates are stressful, period. You have to think up all kinds of ways to lie and stretch the truth. You have to do what it takes to make sure your date doesn’t go running off to hail a cab before you’ve even ordered the cheese plate! I mean, good luck hailing a cab in Buffalo during the dinner hour, am I right?  You do not want to reveal the more intimate parts of your personality. Everybody is intrigued by a little mystery. For example, I once told a first date about my love of watersports. She seemed excited until I gave more details. Then she acted all freaked out. Which leads me to my first tip:

1. Don’t go out with prudes

I know what you’re thinking. “JP, how do I know before I get to know her?” Take a look at the edges of her lips. Just grab her by the chin and forehead and take a real close look. Girls like assertive guys. If I see a bunch of faded red dots, I know I’ve bagged a winner.

PHOTO OF THE MASTER AT WORK

Can't spell .jpg without JP

Can't spell .jpg without JP

2. “I would like to get married and have kids asap.”
Slow. That. Roll. Seems like every heffer in upstate New York is screaming this one from the top of One HSBC Center. If you walk by a child, and your date doesn’t vomit or put a boot to the little critter; run for your life. I can not stress the importance of this point enough.

3. “Who are you voting for?”
Back when I was living in Lousiana, there was a saying about not bringing up politics or religion in polite company. This applies to a first date. You want to limit the emotionally distressing conversation to topics that will make you look good. You don’t know anything about politics. You’re a football player. If she starts blabbing about something controversial that you don’t care about, change the topic. I usually go with “Do you have alive parents?” If she says “yes” that’s perfect! It’s awesome to have alive parents! If she says “no” that’s when JP Smooth takes over and lends a shoulder pad to cry on. Girls like when you’re sensitive.

4. “Put a wad of hundies down your jock”
Hey, the economy is in the toilet. Of course you’re broke. But I’m not. I’m a millionaire. However, common courtesy dictates that I wait to brag about it until after the cheese plate arrives. You’re probably wondering, “JP, how do I let her know I’m fabulously wealthy and I have awesome junk?” Problem solved. Not only will your bulge look awesome, but the scent of money is irresistible to the ladies.

5. “What’s your favorite TV show?”

The correct answer is M*A*S*H.

6. “Where did you go to school?”

Believe it or not, many people didn’t go to college. A lot of people drop out and move back in with their parents. Then they get all depressed, and spend more and more time trying to fill the emotional void with alcohol and one-night stands. Target these women and any random night out can become a first (and last) date 😉

7. “Do NOT send Brett Favre text messages”

This sends the wrong signal. She’s going to think you’re bored. Don’t try to explain Brett Favre’s awesomeness because they never get it. It’s like, she prays before every meal and I don’t act all uptight. I mean, that’s JUST LIKE text messaging God. I choose to text Brett. Seriously, back off.

8. “Start a charitable organization

I started Buffalo Lives (http://www.buffalolives.org/) for three reasons: 1) To beautify Buffalo 2) To connect with the children 3) To reach out and give back to the community. I accomplished all these goals by randomly telling young girls that they’re fat and ugly. This way, they work harder to be thin and good looking. By the time they’re high school juniors, they’ll have developed into the type of girl you’re willing to be seen with at Jim’s Steakout at 5 o’clock on a Saturday morning.

PHOTO OF THE MASTER AT WORK

Beautifying

Beautifying

9. “Stability is a huge turn on”
So maybe you have some personal problems you’ve been working on. Perhaps you’ve been in therapy since you were 13 years old. Everybody has problems big and small, but the first date is more about showing off your personality, not painting yourself as a QB with an erratic pocket presence who will take off running at the first sign of pressure instead of sensing the pass rush, moving in the pocket, making an accurate read, and THROWING THE DAMN FOOTBALL! You need to show you can be the same guy on Sunday November 4th, 2007 (24 of 34 295 and a TD) that you are on Sunday November 11, 2007 (12 of 23 157 and a pick).

10. “What if she’s not feeling it?”

Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. Have Gary Wichard send her a formal notice that you’d like to be given a chance with someone else. If she refuses, just ride it out. And if Trent Edwards steals your girlfriend… AHHHH I JUST HATE HIM SO MUCH! WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE HIM BETTER THAN ME!?!? JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE! I CAN CHANGE!



Marcus Camby – A Trade About Nothing

Starring:
Rex Chapman – VP of Player Personnel
Mark Warkentien – VP of Basketball Ops
Stanley Kroenke – Owner

RECEPTIONIST: They’re ready for you.
MARK: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?
REX: Relax. Who’s he?
MARK: Yeah, he’s not better than me.
REX: Course not.
MARK: Who is?
REX: He’s nobody.
MARK: What about me?
REX: What about you?
MARK: Why him? Why not me?
REX: Why not you?
MARK: I’m as good as him.
REX: Better.
MARK: You really think so?
REX: No.

(The door opens, and, from REX and MARK’s point of view, STANLEY Kroenke Stands up)

MARK: I think I can sum up the trade for you with one word: NOTHING.
STANLEY: Nothing?
MARK: (Smiling) Nothing.
STANLEY: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?
MARK: In the trade, we get nothing.
REX: (To MARK) Well, it’s not nothing.
MARK: (To REX) No, it’s nothing.
REX: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

(REX and MARK glare at each other.)

STANLEY: All right, tell me about the player we’re getting back. What kind of player is he?
MARK: Oh, no. No player.
REX: Well, uh, maybe we could…
MARK: No, no, no. Nothing happens.
REX: Well, something happens.
STANLEY: Well, why are we doing it?
MARK: It’s not a checkers move. It’s a chess move. Chess is a tougher game to understand, you’ve got to wait longer to see the results of the move.
STANLEY: You need to come up with a new analogy.
MARK: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity! And I’ll tell you something else, this is the trade and we’re not going to change it! (To REX) Right?

(A moment passes)

REX: (To STANLEY) How about this: I manage a circus…



Billy Packer Sucks
July 14, 2008, 10:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Another annoying Packer made headlines this morning. Billy got booted by CBS after 80 some-odd years of ruining the Final Four. The move has been met with near universal praise. In his honor, I’ve compiled a list of ornery old-farts that sort of maybe look like Billy if you squint really hard and just go with it.

Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev

Why he sucks:
1. Given the Nobel Peace Prize for losing the cold war, sending Russia into an ongoing state of social unrest and economic depression.
2. Lost to a president that was symptomatic of the early stages of Alzheimer’s
3. Delusional social reformer that wanted to model Russia after Sweden.
4. Turned his back on Ivan Drago.
5. Pizza shilling douche

Little Bill Daggett (Unforgiven)

Why he sucks:
1. Righteous defender of small junk; lover of free horses
2. Really badass with 5 armed men standing behind him
3. Vision and Methodology for establishing control in the Old West expressed metaphorically by a poorly built house with a leaky roof ( Read: Metaphors are for gays)
4. Thought “deserve” had something to do with it. (Read: Thomas Hobbes loves balls)

Archie Bunker

Why he sucks:

1. What Billy Packer said –


2. What he was thinking about –

Those were the days

Dr. Weird

Dr. Weird does not suck.



After the Falls

The Buffalo News followed the Bills rookies on their visit to Niagara Falls.

We followed the team for the rest of the night, as the rookies were shown some of Buffalo’s, well, adult pleasures:

Niagara Falls
Reggie Corner: This truly is one of the great wonders of the world
Tour Guide: Alright Proust, back on the bus. You can write all your feelings in your journal on the way back to the hotel.
RC: That’s it? Not to sound unappreciative, but this is Canada. Aren’t you gonna show us around Buffalo.
TG: Where?
RC: Buffalo. The city we’ll be playing in?
TG: Oh! Right, Buffalo! No. Absolutely not. Now get on the bus.
RC: But coach, some of us will be spending a significant portion of our young adulthoods there.
TG: No. Most of you will be cut. Get on the bus.
(The rest of the team, hearing the argument escalate, rally behind RC)
TG (to himself): Alright, stay cool. They’re forming a mob. Think about the one place you can bring young, black athletes where there is a zero percent chance of running into trouble…

An hour and a half later at Rick’s Tally Ho
Strip Club MC: All right! That was Doris, let hear some applause out there! Remember, these ladies make a living off your tipping, so let’s see those American and Canadian one dollar bills! Up next, Barb (music hits: He’s the one they call DR. FEELGOOD!)
Leodis McKelvin: Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout!
RC: So, this is great and all, but…
TG: But what? If you’re not into the ladies, go sit on the bus and write your damn poems on your damned internet diary.
RC: Are those scars on those strippers? On their stomachs? Did they all have their appendix out or something? (ed. note: good god no) And what is that scrawled next to them?
TG: That’s Willis McGahee’s signature. He thought it would be funny, until the courts ruled it as an admission of fatherhood. It was the first ever class action paternity suit in Erie County.
RC: That’s horrifying
TG: I hear ya. You just can’t trust women these days.
RC: We better get out of here. Leodis just made it rain with bar napkins.
TG: EVERYBODY BACK ON THE BUS!!!

1 hour later at SoHo on Chippewa St.
James Hardy: Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout!
TG: This is the premiere area in Buffalo for clubbing and meeting skanks. And by premiere, I mean this is literally the only street in Buffalo with clubs. So try to pace yourselves.
(Reggie wanders off and eventually meets an attractive young woman)
Young Woman: Hi, my name is Barb. I’m a student.
RC: I’m Reggie. I play football. Where do you go to school? UB, Canisius…
YW: Holy Angels. Listen, I’m a big fan of Cox and…
RC: Oh, Kennard is right over there. You want me to introduce you?
YW: What the hell is a Kennard? Buy me a drink!
RC: What would you like?
YW: Don’t care. Just put this in it (hands RC a small white pill)
RC: Is this a roofie!?!?!
YW: No. It’s prescription medication for guilt and regret. I got from this frat guy, but it’s ok because he’s pre-med.
RC: Damn, that’s cold. Anyway, you look good. It’s sexy when girls show their stomachs at the club. Wait… what is THAT?
YM: Oh, that’s an elective scar. I’ve never been pregnant, but all the popular girls at school have. I did it to fit in. It’s the same reason I got the Japanese symbols for hope and respect tattooed on the small of my back.
RC: Oh, uh, listen, it was great to meet you. I gotta run.
TG (at the exit): Reggie, where are you running to?
RC: This place is tragic! Let’s just get some food and go home
TG: Ok team, gather round. Does anyone remember if Mighty Taco closes at 2 or 3? Eh, let’s just go and find out.

50 minutes later at the closest Mighty Taco:
Leodis McKelvin & James Hardy: (In unison) Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout! (jump high five)
Cashier: Welcome to Mighty Taco, my name is Barb. How can I help youse guys?
TG: Due to the organizational dietary restrictions of the Bills, you will all be able to order off of this modified menu. Come grab a copy.
RC: There’s nothing on this except bottled water.
TG: Kennard! What’s in your mouth? Is that a Super Mighty? Spit it out! (Grabs Kennard by the loose skin on the back of his neck) Give it! I said give it! Ahhhh dammit! He swallowed it. Someone call in the medical team. Standard operating procedure for this is an ipecac enema.
RC: Is that medically sound?
TG: Are you questioning us? We rebuilt Kevin Everett’s spine with a bag of Happy Ice and prayer. We’re on the cutting edge!
Cashier: Hey there colored fellas! You ever seen pink nipples before? (Barb proceeds to lift her purple company polo shirt over her head)
RC: Oh God. It’s like to two Cyclops sock puppets attacking a wading hippopotamus. And is that what I think it is?
TG: That’s a do-it-yourself C-section scar. Probably the worst I’ve ever seen.
RC: Seriously, just cut me.

THE END