Dukes of Awesome


And Twins! by errantremark

Sabres Twins

Henrik: The embryo did split  in two, but…it didn’t split equally. All the purity and strength went into Tyler.

Derek: All the crap that was left over…

Henrik: Went into what you see in the mirror every morning.

Derek: Whoa. You telling me I’m the crap?

Tyler: This is not true.

Derek: You’re telling me that I am the leftover crap? I’m no good?

Tyler: He’s wrong.
Henrik: Look at him.

Derek: Are you saying that I’m a side effect?

Henrik: You haven’t got the brain power to understand this… but Yes.

(in case you’re too young to get this: source)



Remember that time you ran into your ex? Yeah, like that. by errantremark
November 9, 2009, 5:07 pm
Filed under: Bills Obsession, bitterness, linking it up, that was random

Hey….yeah…long time….

Oh, I’m good…good…how are you? Oh, jinx! haha, no you go first…

Oh, not so good, huh? Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, I see you got a new man in your life. Is he nice?

….

Oh, he is nice? Wow, that’s kind of surprising actually. Why? Oh, well, you know how those jock-y receiver-y types are – you never know when they’re gonna blow!

/SLAP

Ow, geez, sorry, sore subject. So, have you been going out long? No? Well, if he’s so nice, I’m sure you’re ready to move on to the next level. Why are you making that face….no? Oh, it’s just a rebound fling, is that what you’re saying? 😉

No, I don’t think you want me back. I mean, why would you? I was only devoted to you for, what, 25 years. No, I’m not being a smart ass.

Hah! It’ll take more than a muscle-bound boy toy to make me jealous. You like me for my personality, remember?

So you have kids yet?

/smack!

OW! Okay, okay, sore subject. Well look, I can’t say I’m ready to make a big play, but, you know, if you ever want to talk – yeah – oh, yeah, we should definitely do coffee sometime. Soon.

….

Okay, well, can I get your number? Yeah…I got a new phone. Okay, yeah, I’ll facebook you.

Wait, seriously, can I get your number? No? Arrrgh. Well, at least we’ll always have the rink…



Rodney Dangerfield’s Grave Reacts to the John McCargo Trade Veto by noaccount

null

John McCargo? More like John McCan’tgo!
McCargo? McCan’t get rid of him!
McCargo? McWent too early in the 2006 NFL draft!
After failing his physical, McCargo was so depressed he was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to him. The priest said, “On your mark…”
John McCargo is so out of shape, Warren Sapp hangs out with him to look fit.
John McCargo is so fat, when he puts on his underwear the Fruit of the Loom guys start laughing.
Bill Polian told McCargo that the Colts wanted to stiffen up against the run. John asked the team doctor for a prescription to Viagra.
During the physical McCargo said, “Doc, every morning when I break down my play on film I feel like barfing. What’s wrong?” The doc said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
John McCargo’s back is so bad, he’s applying for work in a bell tower.
The doctor told John he had a herniated disc in his back. John said he wanted a second opinion. The doctor said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
The biggest problem with John McCargo’s back is that it’s attached to John McCargo.



Dating tips with JP Losman by noaccount
October 8, 2008, 8:22 am
Filed under: Bills Obsession, Buffalo Bills, that was random, Uncategorized | Tags: ,

Author/dating expert JP Losman

First dates are stressful, period. You have to think up all kinds of ways to lie and stretch the truth. You have to do what it takes to make sure your date doesn’t go running off to hail a cab before you’ve even ordered the cheese plate! I mean, good luck hailing a cab in Buffalo during the dinner hour, am I right?  You do not want to reveal the more intimate parts of your personality. Everybody is intrigued by a little mystery. For example, I once told a first date about my love of watersports. She seemed excited until I gave more details. Then she acted all freaked out. Which leads me to my first tip:

1. Don’t go out with prudes

I know what you’re thinking. “JP, how do I know before I get to know her?” Take a look at the edges of her lips. Just grab her by the chin and forehead and take a real close look. Girls like assertive guys. If I see a bunch of faded red dots, I know I’ve bagged a winner.

PHOTO OF THE MASTER AT WORK

Can't spell .jpg without JP

Can't spell .jpg without JP

2. “I would like to get married and have kids asap.”
Slow. That. Roll. Seems like every heffer in upstate New York is screaming this one from the top of One HSBC Center. If you walk by a child, and your date doesn’t vomit or put a boot to the little critter; run for your life. I can not stress the importance of this point enough.

3. “Who are you voting for?”
Back when I was living in Lousiana, there was a saying about not bringing up politics or religion in polite company. This applies to a first date. You want to limit the emotionally distressing conversation to topics that will make you look good. You don’t know anything about politics. You’re a football player. If she starts blabbing about something controversial that you don’t care about, change the topic. I usually go with “Do you have alive parents?” If she says “yes” that’s perfect! It’s awesome to have alive parents! If she says “no” that’s when JP Smooth takes over and lends a shoulder pad to cry on. Girls like when you’re sensitive.

4. “Put a wad of hundies down your jock”
Hey, the economy is in the toilet. Of course you’re broke. But I’m not. I’m a millionaire. However, common courtesy dictates that I wait to brag about it until after the cheese plate arrives. You’re probably wondering, “JP, how do I let her know I’m fabulously wealthy and I have awesome junk?” Problem solved. Not only will your bulge look awesome, but the scent of money is irresistible to the ladies.

5. “What’s your favorite TV show?”

The correct answer is M*A*S*H.

6. “Where did you go to school?”

Believe it or not, many people didn’t go to college. A lot of people drop out and move back in with their parents. Then they get all depressed, and spend more and more time trying to fill the emotional void with alcohol and one-night stands. Target these women and any random night out can become a first (and last) date 😉

7. “Do NOT send Brett Favre text messages”

This sends the wrong signal. She’s going to think you’re bored. Don’t try to explain Brett Favre’s awesomeness because they never get it. It’s like, she prays before every meal and I don’t act all uptight. I mean, that’s JUST LIKE text messaging God. I choose to text Brett. Seriously, back off.

8. “Start a charitable organization

I started Buffalo Lives (http://www.buffalolives.org/) for three reasons: 1) To beautify Buffalo 2) To connect with the children 3) To reach out and give back to the community. I accomplished all these goals by randomly telling young girls that they’re fat and ugly. This way, they work harder to be thin and good looking. By the time they’re high school juniors, they’ll have developed into the type of girl you’re willing to be seen with at Jim’s Steakout at 5 o’clock on a Saturday morning.

PHOTO OF THE MASTER AT WORK

Beautifying

Beautifying

9. “Stability is a huge turn on”
So maybe you have some personal problems you’ve been working on. Perhaps you’ve been in therapy since you were 13 years old. Everybody has problems big and small, but the first date is more about showing off your personality, not painting yourself as a QB with an erratic pocket presence who will take off running at the first sign of pressure instead of sensing the pass rush, moving in the pocket, making an accurate read, and THROWING THE DAMN FOOTBALL! You need to show you can be the same guy on Sunday November 4th, 2007 (24 of 34 295 and a TD) that you are on Sunday November 11, 2007 (12 of 23 157 and a pick).

10. “What if she’s not feeling it?”

Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. Have Gary Wichard send her a formal notice that you’d like to be given a chance with someone else. If she refuses, just ride it out. And if Trent Edwards steals your girlfriend… AHHHH I JUST HATE HIM SO MUCH! WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE HIM BETTER THAN ME!?!? JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE! I CAN CHANGE!



So Chris Henry, Pacman Jones and Marshawn Lynch walk into a bar by errantremark

So Chris Henry, Pacman Jones and Marshawn Lynch walk into a bar.

First, Chris Henry orders a drink: “Hummma herm….cannnnnyouuuu….get…hmmm….[inaudible slurring]ffffvodka.”

The bartender says, “I think you’ve had quite enough, son.”

Pacman jumps on the bar, throwing myriad single dollar bills into the air. Leaping down on the other side of the bar he bites the bartenders ankle, who then falls, banging his head on the bar, leaving him paralyzed.

Pacman shouts “C’mon let’s go” and runs outside, trailing a cloud of floating greenbacks.

Chris Henry looks, glassy eyed, as the door slams closed. He passes out at the bar.

Marshawn Lynch sidles up to the bar, reaching into his jacket.

He removes from his trenchcoat a collapsible cup, a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi and a handle of Captain Morgan.

Ever deliberate and patient, he unfolds the cup, and reaching over the bar he scoops up some ice cubes.

“Ah rocks,” he says softly, to no one in particular.

He then fixes himself a Captain and Coke.

Sitting there, sipping, he waits.

{sirens in the background)

Finishing his drink, the hard boiled Lynch empties the ice, collapses his cup, screws on the cap of the captain, then the Pepsi.

Donning his fedora, Lynch studies the passed out figure of Henry. He pats Henry’s head, slowly shaking his own, and strolls out the door.

Outside, the streets are quiet, though carnage is evident – gunfire and sirens are heard in the distance.

Marshawn calmly gets into his car – a sturdy Porsche Cayenne – and starts the engine.

Turning the wheel he begins to pull away from the curb, heading home.

[Cut to present day, Roger Goodell’s office, as he’s reviewing a signed affadavit from Lynch and his lawyer]

Roger Goodell, reading: “and that’s what really happened, I took the fall to save Pacman and Chris. they city (OAKLAND) ya heard.”

Goodell: “Welp, good enough for me.”

He closes the file, walks over to his closet, slowly dons his fedora, and on his way out, pats the head of a softly snoring Chris Henry, who is dozing, sprawled out on the conference table.



The Gay Mafia strikes again by errantremark

If you know who I am, then you know why:

a)Kissing Suzy Kolber My favorite website of all time (and our inspiraaaaaaaaaaa-tion)

b) This makes me absurdly happy:



OK, Brady, it’s time to, you know, ease off the leather by errantremark

I have been trying for the past few days to figure out why Brady Quinn could possibly be generating us so much traffic. I posted ONE picture of him a while back, an old one at that. But in tracking our traffic, searches for Brady Quinn have brought us more visits than any other search term out there. I didn’t understand it.

mmmm, leather

mmmm, leather

Now I do. Yeesh, Queeni- er, I mean Mr. Brady Quinn – I realize you’re, you know, comfortable. with yourself and all, but, you know….people are starting to talk.