Dukes of Awesome

Dick Jauron on Jim Rome!

Dick Jauron recently called into broadcasting guru Jim Rome’s show to talk about the Bills’ upcoming season. Here’s the transcript.

Dick Jauron exudes strength on Jim Rome

(“Lust for Life” plays)
Rome: Allright clones welcome back to the Jungle. With me now. Buffalo Bills coach. Man. Class Act. Dick Jauron. Dick, Rome.
DJ: Hi. Thanks for having me.
Rome: Dick, Jeff Francouer – Class?
DJ: Ummm…
Rome: Mans up. Speaks eloquently. Class. Man. Jeff Francouer.
DJ: I thought you wanted to talk about the…
Rome: Clones. Jeff Francouer. The Jungle. Interview. Replay in the best of.
DJ: Jim, I’m not especially concerned about Jeff Francouer.
Rome: Clones. Let’s go to email. “Rome – Why would you expect that I cheat on my wife? Do I look like a cheater? – Roger Clemens “…Jeff in Riverside with the Clemens bomb. Dick.
DJ: If we’re not –
Rome: Back To email. “Rome – Ced-“… Clones. Been in this business 20 years…2 kids…not my first Rocket bomb… “Rome – Cedric Benson has issues.”…signed…”Craig MacTavish”??? (buzzer sounds) Clones. Why do I get these mails? Is there a joke there?!? You are not funny…I on the other hand…Jauron.
Rome: Oh I get it. Craig MacTavish…DWI…HA-HA-HA. Who writes this garbage. Clones. Dick. The Jungle. Francouer. Class.
DJ: (hangs up)


James Hardy – The Story You Haven’t Heard

2nd pick – James Hardy – WR – Indiana

With the 41st pick in the 2008 NFL draft the Buffalo Bills selected 6’6″ 220 lb. WR James Hardy from Indiana University. The Bills hope the ex-basketball player will be a red zone target for whatever average quarterback they have under center next year in the city of Bison chip dip and draft beer farts.

As far as Hardy’s vitals go:
– 6’6″
– Possesses good leaping ability
– Slow
– Needs to get stronger

Despite the Bills’ claims that they like to draft upstanding citizens, Hardy has had two off-field incidents of note. The Bills can be forgiven for picking a scumbag here or there as this is the NFL and the Bills are forced to field a complete team. The first incident involved allegations of Hardy beating on his baby momma and infant child. He pleaded not guilty and then pleaded slightly-less-than-not guilty in a pretrial arrangement (under Section 11C of the Indiana State Athlete Code of Conduct: any athlete accused of smacking his bitch up will be required to cry in front of the local and/or national media). Despite ugly rumors to the contrary, this incident actually helped his draft status as it demonstrated NFL maturity beyond his years. Hitting his infant was just an extra bonus for whatever team would be lucky enough to draft him. As incidents such as these are customary in the NFL, I’ve decided to focus on the more interesting and telling 2nd incident.

After dropping out of college in anticipation of a rich NFL contract, Hardy joined up with a clique of young Bloomington boys affectionately called “Cutters”. This was a tight knit group of four “seeming homosexual but apparently not” pieces of trash:
– Mike : the ex-high school football star who’s primary interest was swimming into underwater fridges.
– James Hardy : the conflicted dropout who at the time was into shaving his legs and spewing ethnic gibberish to emulate Italian bicycle racers for some odd reason.
– Moocher : the pipsqueak who didn’t like to be called “Shorty” or “Kelly Leak”.
– Cyril : the retard.

One day while they stole food from a local eatery, the Cutters instigated a weak brawl with a group of frat boys after one frat boy made a derogatory reference to Moocher’s stature. The boys faced an assault charge for” hitting a white person outside of a rap video or Denzel Washington movie”. Citing a little known bylaw in Indiana, they challenged the frat boys in the Little 500 Bicycle Race (quite possibly the dumbest annual event in America, which says a lot). If the Cutters were to win, they wouldn’t go to jail and Hardy could keep his lofty first round prospect status and hopefully not slip into the third round. Long story short, they won the race (because Hardy is a fucking world class athlete, c’mon) and the charges were dropped. After the race Ralph Wilson dropped by to hurl an Italian black slur at Hardy (which he learned from John DiGiorgio) to which Hardy replied with a taunt of “Fuck you honky – draft my black ass”(except in French which sounds much nicer). You see, Hardy had recently met, date raped, and smacked up a beautiful French exchange student.

I’m not sure what this tells us about Hardy’s chances of becoming a productive NFL player…but someone should make a movie out of this crap. Denzel could play Moocher.