Dukes of Awesome

Screw Brett Favre. Seriously.

Before I spew even more vitriol at the Southern/Maverick/Gunslinger/Media Darling QB, I just want to say that if Brett Favre had simply stayed in football instead of retiring then unretiring IN THE SAME DAMN YEAR, this post would be irrelevant. Well, not entirely – I still hate the guy, but that hatred would have simply simmered as frustration for media exposure for which he wasn’t entirely responsible rather than extreme prejudice based on being sick of the most overrated quarterback of all time.

But he’s not retiring, and he actually has the audacity to consider the following:

• Retire when the Pack was willing to take him back, even after knocking the Pack out of the playoffs with a typical Favre-ian forced bullshit interception.
• RETURN after a very positive send-off, and after the Pack scheduled to retire his number.
• Screw with the development of heir-apparent Aaron Rodgers, like your drunk father.
• Lastly, and I would overlook everything above if this didn’t happen: He would play for the Vikings.

In most cases, I would have zero sympathy for Packers fans – you are in a small market, the odds of your team moving are slim and none, you freaking OWN your own team, and you have a pretty decent history. But that last bit, that the greatest and most beloved player to ever don your uniform would play for your mortal, divisional enemy? That’s gotta hurt just a wee bit.

So because of that, I’ve compiled a list of quarterbacks who I like better than Brett Favre, and why I’m right. FYI – this is not a list of my favorite quarterbacks. This is just a list of QBs I like more than Favre. If he stays retired, a good 90% of this list changes.

1) Jim Kelly, Buffalo Bills – Yes, we’re biased. But there’s good reason why the man who perfected the No-huddle offense is our favorite, and has better qualities than Brett Favre.

• He brought the gunslinger mentality with football smarts to run the K-Gun.
• No disrespect to staying true to your hometown roots (like Favre does), but there’s something to be said for living in the city that loved you, like Kelly does to this day in Buffalo.
• The Jim Kelly Club is sorely missed, with a reputation akin to the Rat Pack’s Sands Casino. How cool is that?
• Kelly made Hunter’s Hope his post-playing career cause celebre, but still does a lot for other charities, including working with Kevin Everett, Doug Flutie and even Dan Marino’s charity efforts.
• True, no Super Bowls, and Kelly’s Super Bowl career is less than stellar, but Favre wasn’t MVP of his Super Bowl win (albeit, Desmond Howard was a weird choice). Though for total Super Bowls, Kelly leads 4-2.
• Every Irish stereotype you can think of applies – gregarious, outgoing, a drinker, passionate about the game, and FREAKING AWESOME.

2) John Elway, Denver Broncos – Another gunslinger, he has a cool freaking name, ended his career better than any other NFL player ever, I would buy a car from him.

3) Frank Reich, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers – Yes, another Bill. WTFever. Frank Reich is responsible for two of the most amazing comebacks in football history: Miami vs. Maryland in 1984 and The Comeback. That’s enough in my eyes.

4) Drew Bledsoe, Patriots, Bills, Cowboys – I always thought Bledsoe was underappreciated. He had to do a lot more with a lot less than a lot of quarterbacks early on, and by the time he got late in his career, he was so conditioned to forcing and waiting, it ruined what should have been a Hall-worthy career. That being said, few QBs have handled professional hardship with more class and dignity than Bledsoe did during his career. Always will respect the man.

5) The Mannings: This always makes me smile. Not sure what that says about me:

6) Drew Brees, Chargers, Saints – Struggled early on, but has totally justified both the Chargers and Saints taking a chance on him. Another class act, he’s invested himself in New Orleans and is the biggest reason the Saints are now legit.

7) Philip Rivers, Chargers – Sure, Laserface might be a bit of a d-bag, but he’s Favre-ian tough. Yeah, I fucking said it. I never said Favre wasn’t tough, I just hate the guy.

8) Joe Montana, 49ers, Chiefs – Joe Montana played on a squad loaded with stars, but damn if he didn’t make it happen without fail. And the story of him, in the middle of The Drive, off-handedly seeing Jon Candy in the crowd and commenting on it, is one of the funniest superstar stories ever.

9)Bernie Kosar, Browns – Another QB who was given a raw deal, particularly by Nosferatu Belicheck, but he was the heart and soul of some good Cleveland Browns teams.

10) Tom Brady, NE Patriots – First off, FUCK TOM BRADY. Secondly, knocking up Bridget Moynihan and bagging Gisele in the same year is a pretty damn good year, 18-1 be damned.

Honorable mention:

11)Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers – This kid deserves a shot, and when given a chance, has played well. He’s got all the tools, all the potential, and has gotten a raw deal from sliding in the draft behind freaking Alex Smith. STOP MESSING WITH HIM BRETT.

12) Dan Marino, Miami Dolphins – WHA?! Why would I, a devout Bills fan and hater of all things Miami, rank Marino on this list?! First off, I still fucking hate the guy. With a passion. But this isn’t a list of my favorite QBs. It’s QBs I hate less than Brett Favre. Plus one word: Isotoners.

• Dan held all the records Favre now holds, MINUS the interception record.
• Favre’s receivers: Sterling Sharpe, Antonio Freeman, Donald Driver, Javon Walker, Bubba Franks, Mark Chmura. Marino’s receivers: Mark Duper, Mark Clayton, OJ McDuffie. Sharpe, Freeman and Driver would be good on any team. Marino’s guys were good BECAUSE of Marino.
• Marino also never had an Ahman Green or Dorsey Levens. If you can name Marino’s running backs, you’re more obsessed than I am.
• Dan had a great tan.

13) David Garrard

14) JP Losman/Trent Edwards

15) Matt Hasselbeck

***LATE EDITION*** 16) Jim Everett

Three QBs we hate more than Brett Favre:

1000) Brett Favre

1001) Billy Joe Hobert

1002) Michael Vick

1003) Todd Marinovich – I had your rookie card, you freaking idiot. And eff your dad too.