November 9, 2009, 5:58 pm
Filed under: Buffalo Sabres
, draft picks
, that was random
| Tags: Derek & Tyler are bros from different hos
, Henrik Tallinder
, JUST KIDDING
, No Seriously we love the sabres
, Tyler Myers is GIANT
, we love <3 Derek Roy
Henrik: The embryo did split in two, but…it didn’t split equally. All the purity and strength went into Tyler.
Derek: All the crap that was left over…
Henrik: Went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Derek: Whoa. You telling me I’m the crap?
Tyler: This is not true.
Derek: You’re telling me that I am the leftover crap? I’m no good?
Tyler: He’s wrong.
Henrik: Look at him.
Derek: Are you saying that I’m a side effect?
Henrik: You haven’t got the brain power to understand this… but Yes.
(in case you’re too young to get this: source)
Better Know A Draft Pick: Cary Harris
Back when we were posting regularly, the Dukes profiled each some of the Bills 2008 draft picks. So we’re gonna give it another go. Up first: Cary Harris.
Hometown: Pacoima, CA
Why he’s awesome: Projected to go as early as the third round, the Cary Harris pick follows the ultimate fantasy draft rules: pick good players from good teams. And for a slight guy, he’s known as a big hitter with excellent coverage skills.
Why we like him: For a guy with a rep for poor ball skills, he’s come up in big moments for the Trojans, including that above pick in the Rose Bowl this year.
Why we don’t: He’s as durable as a rose petal and held together by strings. He’s missed time for a dislocated shoulder, ankle injuries, had a bad hamstring at the combine (which slowed him to a 4.57 40-time) and had arthroscopic surgery in both ankles prior to the 2008 season.
Tidbit about Pacoima, CA: Oft-battered in his movies Leonardo DiCaprio, tragically dead before his time Ritchie Valens, oft-injured outfielder Gary Matthews Jr. are all from Pacoima. As are the founders of passing fad Juicy Couture, which relates somehow.
Videos that should get you pumped about Harris, provided he holds up:
Demetrius Bell, Plugging Holes, Grading Roads
We Dukes have been trying to figure out what Russ, Dick and Turk have in mind for filling Jason Peters’ spot since his trade to the Eagles. With the draft in the books, that picture is getting a bit clearer.
For 2009, we have Hangartner holding down center, Brad Butler/Andrew Levitre/Eric Wood at the guard positions in some order, Kirk Chambers/Seth McKinney at right tackle, and Langston Walker at the left tackle spot. (Sorry, Brian, but I don’t think two rookies start on either side of Hangartner this year).
That’s not an awful line, really – true, there aren’t any Pro Bowler’s on that lineup right now, but Wood & Levitre (or does Wood come after Levitre?) project as potential starters, Hangartner’s a good mentor, and Walker got the job done at left tackle to start the season last year. But at the same time, with so many linemen playing out of position, it might take some time to coalesce.
The real X-factor for a potential all-world Bills offensive line is our favorite spawn of Karl Malone: Demetrius Bell.
Last year’s 219th pick was a healthy scratch in all of last year’s games – he didn’t play a single down in a single game, yet the Bills kept him on the roster. And it might prove to be one of the shrewdest moves the Bills have done since converting Jason Peters – Bell is every bit the physical beast Peters was, albeit in a much more raw package.
But in his second year, Bell might be making the steps to become a big-time offensive lineman – at 6’5″, 300+, it won’t take much to make him simply serviceable, but he has the upside to grow into the lineman we always thought Peters would be (only less of a diva).
Better Know A Draft Pick: Ellis Lankster
Back when we were posting regularly, the Dukes profiled each some of the Bills 2008 draft picks. So we’re gonna give it another go. Up first: Ellis Lankster.
- Position: DB
- Height: 5′ 9″
- Weight: 191
- College: West Virginia
- Hometown: Whistler, AL
Why he’s awesome: He used to be fat, but he dropped the weight because he wanted the rock!
Why we like him: This late in the draft, no player is a guarantee, but we always have a soft spot for Bills’ picks from West Virginia.
Why we don’t: He’s got a rap sheet. We hope he’s matured since then, but…well.
Tidbit about Whistler, AL: For a small town, Whistler has a history of good athletes: Baseball Hall of Famer Billy Williams (not Billy Dee, unfortunately), Ravens tackle Willie Anderson….that’s it. But that’s like 15% of Whistler’s population.
Rumor about Lankster that started RIGHT HERE: That arrest mentioned above? Well we have it on no authority that Lankster is totally cool with being an extremely late round draft pick. The man is a business man, pure and simple – as if Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale were combined in one, compact package with mad ups. True, the Bills have a bunch of defensive backs, and true, you can never have too many. But the Bills aren’t looking for him to play too much – there’s bills to pay.
After the Falls
May 26, 2008, 3:26 pm
Filed under: Bills Obsession
, Buffalo Bills
, familial abuse
, that was random
| Tags: pretentious literary references
, the magic and wonder that is buffalo
, we nearly called this site talley-ho in honor of rick
, what is this fixation with scars
, whoa seriously whoa
The Buffalo News followed the Bills rookies on their visit to Niagara Falls.
We followed the team for the rest of the night, as the rookies were shown some of Buffalo’s, well, adult pleasures:
Reggie Corner: This truly is one of the great wonders of the world
Tour Guide: Alright Proust, back on the bus. You can write all your feelings in your journal on the way back to the hotel.
RC: That’s it? Not to sound unappreciative, but this is Canada. Aren’t you gonna show us around Buffalo.
RC: Buffalo. The city we’ll be playing in?
TG: Oh! Right, Buffalo! No. Absolutely not. Now get on the bus.
RC: But coach, some of us will be spending a significant portion of our young adulthoods there.
TG: No. Most of you will be cut. Get on the bus.
(The rest of the team, hearing the argument escalate, rally behind RC)
TG (to himself): Alright, stay cool. They’re forming a mob. Think about the one place you can bring young, black athletes where there is a zero percent chance of running into trouble…
An hour and a half later at Rick’s Tally Ho
Strip Club MC: All right! That was Doris, let hear some applause out there! Remember, these ladies make a living off your tipping, so let’s see those American and Canadian one dollar bills! Up next, Barb (music hits: He’s the one they call DR. FEELGOOD!)
Leodis McKelvin: Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout!
RC: So, this is great and all, but…
TG: But what? If you’re not into the ladies, go sit on the bus and write your damn poems on your damned internet diary.
RC: Are those scars on those strippers? On their stomachs? Did they all have their appendix out or something? (ed. note: good god no) And what is that scrawled next to them?
TG: That’s Willis McGahee’s signature. He thought it would be funny, until the courts ruled it as an admission of fatherhood. It was the first ever class action paternity suit in Erie County.
RC: That’s horrifying
TG: I hear ya. You just can’t trust women these days.
RC: We better get out of here. Leodis just made it rain with bar napkins.
TG: EVERYBODY BACK ON THE BUS!!!
1 hour later at SoHo on Chippewa St.
James Hardy: Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout!
TG: This is the premiere area in Buffalo for clubbing and meeting skanks. And by premiere, I mean this is literally the only street in Buffalo with clubs. So try to pace yourselves.
(Reggie wanders off and eventually meets an attractive young woman)
Young Woman: Hi, my name is Barb. I’m a student.
RC: I’m Reggie. I play football. Where do you go to school? UB, Canisius…
YW: Holy Angels. Listen, I’m a big fan of Cox and…
RC: Oh, Kennard is right over there. You want me to introduce you?
YW: What the hell is a Kennard? Buy me a drink!
RC: What would you like?
YW: Don’t care. Just put this in it (hands RC a small white pill)
RC: Is this a roofie!?!?!
YW: No. It’s prescription medication for guilt and regret. I got from this frat guy, but it’s ok because he’s pre-med.
RC: Damn, that’s cold. Anyway, you look good. It’s sexy when girls show their stomachs at the club. Wait… what is THAT?
YM: Oh, that’s an elective scar. I’ve never been pregnant, but all the popular girls at school have. I did it to fit in. It’s the same reason I got the Japanese symbols for hope and respect tattooed on the small of my back.
RC: Oh, uh, listen, it was great to meet you. I gotta run.
TG (at the exit): Reggie, where are you running to?
RC: This place is tragic! Let’s just get some food and go home
TG: Ok team, gather round. Does anyone remember if Mighty Taco closes at 2 or 3? Eh, let’s just go and find out.
50 minutes later at the closest Mighty Taco:
Leodis McKelvin & James Hardy: (In unison) Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout! (jump high five)
Cashier: Welcome to Mighty Taco, my name is Barb. How can I help youse guys?
TG: Due to the organizational dietary restrictions of the Bills, you will all be able to order off of this modified menu. Come grab a copy.
RC: There’s nothing on this except bottled water.
TG: Kennard! What’s in your mouth? Is that a Super Mighty? Spit it out! (Grabs Kennard by the loose skin on the back of his neck) Give it! I said give it! Ahhhh dammit! He swallowed it. Someone call in the medical team. Standard operating procedure for this is an ipecac enema.
RC: Is that medically sound?
TG: Are you questioning us? We rebuilt Kevin Everett’s spine with a bag of Happy Ice and prayer. We’re on the cutting edge!
Cashier: Hey there colored fellas! You ever seen pink nipples before? (Barb proceeds to lift her purple company polo shirt over her head)
RC: Oh God. It’s like to two Cyclops sock puppets attacking a wading hippopotamus. And is that what I think it is?
TG: That’s a do-it-yourself C-section scar. Probably the worst I’ve ever seen.
RC: Seriously, just cut me.