Dukes of Awesome


Dating tips with JP Losman by noaccount
October 8, 2008, 8:22 am
Filed under: Bills Obsession, Buffalo Bills, that was random, Uncategorized | Tags: ,

Author/dating expert JP Losman

First dates are stressful, period. You have to think up all kinds of ways to lie and stretch the truth. You have to do what it takes to make sure your date doesn’t go running off to hail a cab before you’ve even ordered the cheese plate! I mean, good luck hailing a cab in Buffalo during the dinner hour, am I right?  You do not want to reveal the more intimate parts of your personality. Everybody is intrigued by a little mystery. For example, I once told a first date about my love of watersports. She seemed excited until I gave more details. Then she acted all freaked out. Which leads me to my first tip:

1. Don’t go out with prudes

I know what you’re thinking. “JP, how do I know before I get to know her?” Take a look at the edges of her lips. Just grab her by the chin and forehead and take a real close look. Girls like assertive guys. If I see a bunch of faded red dots, I know I’ve bagged a winner.

PHOTO OF THE MASTER AT WORK

Can't spell .jpg without JP

Can't spell .jpg without JP

2. “I would like to get married and have kids asap.”
Slow. That. Roll. Seems like every heffer in upstate New York is screaming this one from the top of One HSBC Center. If you walk by a child, and your date doesn’t vomit or put a boot to the little critter; run for your life. I can not stress the importance of this point enough.

3. “Who are you voting for?”
Back when I was living in Lousiana, there was a saying about not bringing up politics or religion in polite company. This applies to a first date. You want to limit the emotionally distressing conversation to topics that will make you look good. You don’t know anything about politics. You’re a football player. If she starts blabbing about something controversial that you don’t care about, change the topic. I usually go with “Do you have alive parents?” If she says “yes” that’s perfect! It’s awesome to have alive parents! If she says “no” that’s when JP Smooth takes over and lends a shoulder pad to cry on. Girls like when you’re sensitive.

4. “Put a wad of hundies down your jock”
Hey, the economy is in the toilet. Of course you’re broke. But I’m not. I’m a millionaire. However, common courtesy dictates that I wait to brag about it until after the cheese plate arrives. You’re probably wondering, “JP, how do I let her know I’m fabulously wealthy and I have awesome junk?” Problem solved. Not only will your bulge look awesome, but the scent of money is irresistible to the ladies.

5. “What’s your favorite TV show?”

The correct answer is M*A*S*H.

6. “Where did you go to school?”

Believe it or not, many people didn’t go to college. A lot of people drop out and move back in with their parents. Then they get all depressed, and spend more and more time trying to fill the emotional void with alcohol and one-night stands. Target these women and any random night out can become a first (and last) date 😉

7. “Do NOT send Brett Favre text messages”

This sends the wrong signal. She’s going to think you’re bored. Don’t try to explain Brett Favre’s awesomeness because they never get it. It’s like, she prays before every meal and I don’t act all uptight. I mean, that’s JUST LIKE text messaging God. I choose to text Brett. Seriously, back off.

8. “Start a charitable organization

I started Buffalo Lives (http://www.buffalolives.org/) for three reasons: 1) To beautify Buffalo 2) To connect with the children 3) To reach out and give back to the community. I accomplished all these goals by randomly telling young girls that they’re fat and ugly. This way, they work harder to be thin and good looking. By the time they’re high school juniors, they’ll have developed into the type of girl you’re willing to be seen with at Jim’s Steakout at 5 o’clock on a Saturday morning.

PHOTO OF THE MASTER AT WORK

Beautifying

Beautifying

9. “Stability is a huge turn on”
So maybe you have some personal problems you’ve been working on. Perhaps you’ve been in therapy since you were 13 years old. Everybody has problems big and small, but the first date is more about showing off your personality, not painting yourself as a QB with an erratic pocket presence who will take off running at the first sign of pressure instead of sensing the pass rush, moving in the pocket, making an accurate read, and THROWING THE DAMN FOOTBALL! You need to show you can be the same guy on Sunday November 4th, 2007 (24 of 34 295 and a TD) that you are on Sunday November 11, 2007 (12 of 23 157 and a pick).

10. “What if she’s not feeling it?”

Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. Have Gary Wichard send her a formal notice that you’d like to be given a chance with someone else. If she refuses, just ride it out. And if Trent Edwards steals your girlfriend… AHHHH I JUST HATE HIM SO MUCH! WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE HIM BETTER THAN ME!?!? JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE! I CAN CHANGE!

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8 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Well JP, we definitely have different styles and different advice to offer, but man, I’ve got to hand it to you, you are a riot! You’re killing me with this article. I think you’re definitely right when you say everybody loves a little mystery. It would help women to remember this as well on their first dates. We don’t need to know the minutae of their lives from the get go.

Comment by Pick Up Lines

J.P. The Raiders just picked you up and I’m just checking google on you. I am glad to see this artical or blog because it shows your confidence in yourself. Good luck in Oakland. Maybe they’ll bring in Jim Fassel now.

Comment by Jorge Mendez

I feel like to state my appreciation of your writing proficiency and ability to make reader to read the while thing to the end. I feel like to read more of your articles and to distribute my opinion with you. I will be your frequent visitor, that is for certain.

Comment by Sloane

From a girls perspective.. I hope that J.P. Losman didn’t write this article. What is this “sleep with depressed college dropouts, all girls love the smell of money, and tell young girls in Buffalo they’re fat and ugly”?!?! REALLY?? Not even funny as a joke. You make yourself sound like nothing more than a cocky asshole with an HUGELY undeserved ego. I’m so disappointed to have stumbled across this article. I used to be such a fan.. supported your career in Buffalo, followed it to the UFL and always stood up for you when others were full of criticism. UGHHH and i’m not an uptight person whatsoever… just soo disappointed to find out the kind of person you really are. 😦 Please tell me you didn’t write this garbage!

Comment by Devyn

I didn’t write this garbage..

Completely unrelated & just out of curiosity.. Where did you go to school?

Comment by JP

I’m Canadian. I went to school in Toronto Ontario. I’ve followed the NFL since you were drafted and as a Buffalo fan was always curious about that guy they put so much faith in… Competely unrelated and if this IS actually a true JP response… why do you ask? And what are you doing now? Kinda hoped we might cross paths one day.

Comment by Devyn

I actually forgot I commented on this article 4 yrs ago. Was surprised to see my name at the end! Anyway, reading again it’s hard to believe I thought it would be for real.

Comment by Devyn

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Comment by Devyn




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