Dukes of Awesome


After the Falls by noaccount

The Buffalo News followed the Bills rookies on their visit to Niagara Falls.

We followed the team for the rest of the night, as the rookies were shown some of Buffalo’s, well, adult pleasures:

Niagara Falls
Reggie Corner: This truly is one of the great wonders of the world
Tour Guide: Alright Proust, back on the bus. You can write all your feelings in your journal on the way back to the hotel.
RC: That’s it? Not to sound unappreciative, but this is Canada. Aren’t you gonna show us around Buffalo.
TG: Where?
RC: Buffalo. The city we’ll be playing in?
TG: Oh! Right, Buffalo! No. Absolutely not. Now get on the bus.
RC: But coach, some of us will be spending a significant portion of our young adulthoods there.
TG: No. Most of you will be cut. Get on the bus.
(The rest of the team, hearing the argument escalate, rally behind RC)
TG (to himself): Alright, stay cool. They’re forming a mob. Think about the one place you can bring young, black athletes where there is a zero percent chance of running into trouble…

An hour and a half later at Rick’s Tally Ho
Strip Club MC: All right! That was Doris, let hear some applause out there! Remember, these ladies make a living off your tipping, so let’s see those American and Canadian one dollar bills! Up next, Barb (music hits: He’s the one they call DR. FEELGOOD!)
Leodis McKelvin: Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout!
RC: So, this is great and all, but…
TG: But what? If you’re not into the ladies, go sit on the bus and write your damn poems on your damned internet diary.
RC: Are those scars on those strippers? On their stomachs? Did they all have their appendix out or something? (ed. note: good god no) And what is that scrawled next to them?
TG: That’s Willis McGahee’s signature. He thought it would be funny, until the courts ruled it as an admission of fatherhood. It was the first ever class action paternity suit in Erie County.
RC: That’s horrifying
TG: I hear ya. You just can’t trust women these days.
RC: We better get out of here. Leodis just made it rain with bar napkins.
TG: EVERYBODY BACK ON THE BUS!!!

1 hour later at SoHo on Chippewa St.
James Hardy: Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout!
TG: This is the premiere area in Buffalo for clubbing and meeting skanks. And by premiere, I mean this is literally the only street in Buffalo with clubs. So try to pace yourselves.
(Reggie wanders off and eventually meets an attractive young woman)
Young Woman: Hi, my name is Barb. I’m a student.
RC: I’m Reggie. I play football. Where do you go to school? UB, Canisius…
YW: Holy Angels. Listen, I’m a big fan of Cox and…
RC: Oh, Kennard is right over there. You want me to introduce you?
YW: What the hell is a Kennard? Buy me a drink!
RC: What would you like?
YW: Don’t care. Just put this in it (hands RC a small white pill)
RC: Is this a roofie!?!?!
YW: No. It’s prescription medication for guilt and regret. I got from this frat guy, but it’s ok because he’s pre-med.
RC: Damn, that’s cold. Anyway, you look good. It’s sexy when girls show their stomachs at the club. Wait… what is THAT?
YM: Oh, that’s an elective scar. I’ve never been pregnant, but all the popular girls at school have. I did it to fit in. It’s the same reason I got the Japanese symbols for hope and respect tattooed on the small of my back.
RC: Oh, uh, listen, it was great to meet you. I gotta run.
TG (at the exit): Reggie, where are you running to?
RC: This place is tragic! Let’s just get some food and go home
TG: Ok team, gather round. Does anyone remember if Mighty Taco closes at 2 or 3? Eh, let’s just go and find out.

50 minutes later at the closest Mighty Taco:
Leodis McKelvin & James Hardy: (In unison) Now this is what I’m talkin’ bout! (jump high five)
Cashier: Welcome to Mighty Taco, my name is Barb. How can I help youse guys?
TG: Due to the organizational dietary restrictions of the Bills, you will all be able to order off of this modified menu. Come grab a copy.
RC: There’s nothing on this except bottled water.
TG: Kennard! What’s in your mouth? Is that a Super Mighty? Spit it out! (Grabs Kennard by the loose skin on the back of his neck) Give it! I said give it! Ahhhh dammit! He swallowed it. Someone call in the medical team. Standard operating procedure for this is an ipecac enema.
RC: Is that medically sound?
TG: Are you questioning us? We rebuilt Kevin Everett’s spine with a bag of Happy Ice and prayer. We’re on the cutting edge!
Cashier: Hey there colored fellas! You ever seen pink nipples before? (Barb proceeds to lift her purple company polo shirt over her head)
RC: Oh God. It’s like to two Cyclops sock puppets attacking a wading hippopotamus. And is that what I think it is?
TG: That’s a do-it-yourself C-section scar. Probably the worst I’ve ever seen.
RC: Seriously, just cut me.

THE END

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