Dukes of Awesome


James Hardy – The Story You Haven’t Heard by humanclowns

2nd pick – James Hardy – WR – Indiana

With the 41st pick in the 2008 NFL draft the Buffalo Bills selected 6’6″ 220 lb. WR James Hardy from Indiana University. The Bills hope the ex-basketball player will be a red zone target for whatever average quarterback they have under center next year in the city of Bison chip dip and draft beer farts.

As far as Hardy’s vitals go:
– 6’6″
– Possesses good leaping ability
– Slow
– Needs to get stronger

Despite the Bills’ claims that they like to draft upstanding citizens, Hardy has had two off-field incidents of note. The Bills can be forgiven for picking a scumbag here or there as this is the NFL and the Bills are forced to field a complete team. The first incident involved allegations of Hardy beating on his baby momma and infant child. He pleaded not guilty and then pleaded slightly-less-than-not guilty in a pretrial arrangement (under Section 11C of the Indiana State Athlete Code of Conduct: any athlete accused of smacking his bitch up will be required to cry in front of the local and/or national media). Despite ugly rumors to the contrary, this incident actually helped his draft status as it demonstrated NFL maturity beyond his years. Hitting his infant was just an extra bonus for whatever team would be lucky enough to draft him. As incidents such as these are customary in the NFL, I’ve decided to focus on the more interesting and telling 2nd incident.

After dropping out of college in anticipation of a rich NFL contract, Hardy joined up with a clique of young Bloomington boys affectionately called “Cutters”. This was a tight knit group of four “seeming homosexual but apparently not” pieces of trash:
– Mike : the ex-high school football star who’s primary interest was swimming into underwater fridges.
– James Hardy : the conflicted dropout who at the time was into shaving his legs and spewing ethnic gibberish to emulate Italian bicycle racers for some odd reason.
– Moocher : the pipsqueak who didn’t like to be called “Shorty” or “Kelly Leak”.
– Cyril : the retard.

One day while they stole food from a local eatery, the Cutters instigated a weak brawl with a group of frat boys after one frat boy made a derogatory reference to Moocher’s stature. The boys faced an assault charge for” hitting a white person outside of a rap video or Denzel Washington movie”. Citing a little known bylaw in Indiana, they challenged the frat boys in the Little 500 Bicycle Race (quite possibly the dumbest annual event in America, which says a lot). If the Cutters were to win, they wouldn’t go to jail and Hardy could keep his lofty first round prospect status and hopefully not slip into the third round. Long story short, they won the race (because Hardy is a fucking world class athlete, c’mon) and the charges were dropped. After the race Ralph Wilson dropped by to hurl an Italian black slur at Hardy (which he learned from John DiGiorgio) to which Hardy replied with a taunt of “Fuck you honky – draft my black ass”(except in French which sounds much nicer). You see, Hardy had recently met, date raped, and smacked up a beautiful French exchange student.

I’m not sure what this tells us about Hardy’s chances of becoming a productive NFL player…but someone should make a movie out of this crap. Denzel could play Moocher.

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7 Comments so far
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[…] Hatred: 31 Reasons to Hate Every Other TeamGetting to know you: Derek Fine – stop whining, Buffalo.James Hardy – The Story You Haven’t HeardDick Jauron on Jim Rome!He Schutz He Scores…Whither Talley-Whackers?Chris Ellis – its like Anthony […]

Pingback by Embracing the Hatred: 31 Reasons to Hate Every Other Team « Dukes of Awesome

I LOVE YOU JAMES EVERYONE GO THROUGH NO MATTER WHAT IT IS……………

Comment by NISHA

OH AND 1 THING DO ME AND YOU A FAVOR.KEEP UR HEAD UP.PRAY AND REMEMBER THIS”HI HATERS”.YOU ARE A YOUNG MAN DOING ALOT WITH YOURSELF INSTEAD OF BEING ON THESE STREETS DOING ONLY GOD KNOWS WHAT.WELL JUST BELIEVE GOD IS WITH YOU.ASK HIM TO GO BE 4 YOU AND IF GOD FEELS THAT ENVIRONMENT ISNT GOOD 4 YOU HELL BRING YOU OUT.BUT BABY 1 THING YOU MUST DO “JUST BELIEVE”…………………YOU KNOW WHAT IMMA SHARE THIS WITH YOU.ONE DAY I WAS CLEANING THE STADIUM.I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BUFFALO BILLS.INTIL ONE DAY THE BILLS WAS PRACTICING IM NOT SURE IF JAMES OR ONE OF THE PLAYERS THREW THE BALL.MY GUESS ONE OF THE PLAYERS.WELL ANYWAYS. JAMES CAME OVER TO ME TO GET THE BALL AND WITHOUT HESITATION I PICKED UP THE BALL AND GAVE IT TO HIM.HE WAS SO HAPPY TO BE WHERE HE WAS(ON THE FIELD(YOU CAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES)).THINGS HAPPENS 4 A REASON DONT MESS YOUR OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE OF WHATS GOING ON WITH YOU.YOU ARE STAR.LET GOD LEAD YOU TO THE RIGHT DIRECTION.IF YOU DID NOT YET,GIVE HIM A CHANCE AND SEE HOW MUCH YOUR LIFE TURNS AROUND.GOD LOVES YOU AND I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM 2.AND REMEMBER JESUS WALKS.IM 18 AND GOD LEADS ME. “(JUST BELIEVE)”

Comment by NISHA

Well at least your comments lacked in humor what they also lacked in accuracy.

Comment by Paul

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Rofl.
James is my brother(Since im the common internet user nobody gonna believe that). But he was never in anything called “Cutters”. You dummy lol “Cutters” Was a word used for Stoners. Get ur shit right.

Comment by Jajajaja




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